#13

Year 9

Year 9 would probably be most, insightful year of my life. For such reasons like “Dear you”

In year 9, it seemed to me like I was being tested. Oddly enough, it did feel like some outside god-like figure was testing me. Maybe not necessarily testing me but perhaps teaching me. Why was I being tested? Up to then I believed I have hurt 3 people, not intentionally, But I strongly believed that I had no other choice. So I thought I hurt them for all the right reasons, so I believed. Then I was literally put in their shoes to see how it felt. In other words, I got big fucking KARMA.

This tests/karma was:

Rejection, Neglecting and Jealousy

What was more painful is that, they were all in the form of ‘YOU’!

(Hopefully I don’t step on any toes)

Neglection
Well this started off with a very close friendship. We’d talk, bitch, all the time. But during year 9 I became a little curious asshole and I guess started exploring around the school a bit more. As I was doing this alone, it caused a little stir in my friendship. Eventually little rumours began to spread about me dating someone. At first I went along with it because it was all fun and games. However, we did inform a few people that this rumoured relationship I’m having is indeed not true.

One day, out of the blue, someone who knew that the rumour is not true, kept questioning me that whether there was any chance of me, perhaps, interested in actually making the rumour true? Sadly, no. After this event, I still continued playing along with he charade as it was all fun and games. But I began to ask myself “is it still fun and games?” This paranoia began to grow in me and I , unfortunately concluded, no...

However I was still not sure whether my theory was right but, considering my past (at that time), I just didn’t want to go through with it again. So I wanted to do a pre-emptive strike. Hence I decided to ignore this person, almost completely.

KARMA-
Well as I already said all karma came in the form of “YOU”. Obviously this barrier upset us both but I was too stubborn to back down. After I started to neglect this person, my relationship with “YOU’ began to lose its firm grip. I tried and tried again and again. But for some reason nothing seemed to be going through. Messeges went un-replied, and it just seemed like you were ignoring me for no reason. It felt like I Was talking to someone who was lost in their own little world.;A world that I knew nothing of... until it was too late.

Jeolousy

To me, I think this was probably the most drastic test. I just simply couldn’t grasp this emotion at first.. Why is this annoying you? Why is this making you angry? Why is any of what I’m doing such a big deal to you? It all seemed like a bunch of bullocks to me that you care for something so much, that it begins to possess you. Then there was the usual advices would be given to this person, “oh don’t worry its nothing” “It means nothing” “So what if they” etc. I thought these advices are pretty effective and their point made clear. But nothing seemed to help ease the emotion. I certainly didn’t actually do anything to help the jealousy. I was thinking “Hey, get over it. Can’t deal with it then get over it”.

KARMA- very self-explanatory. “YOU” started to hang with friends and other people. Probably in normal people’s eyes they would see it as nice conversation or a friendly hug or ‘they are just talking’. But to me it was simply ... SKLDJFISOEJFLSEFJ ... I got paranoid, angry and jealousy began to take over. I started talking weird to that person, never making a lot of sense, Made irrational comments and demands, as I owned the person. My world started collapsing. I lost all my sense of morale and my sanity. I became a very different person. I hated people just talking to “YOU”. That’s when I slowly began to understand the concept of jealousy. There I was, hating that person talking to “YOU” when, once upon a time, I was in that position, through someone’s else’s eyes.

Rejection- Well rejection is self-explanatory, but just a little bit...twisted. I rejected someone because, well if you don’t like the person, what else can you say? I was pretty sure I did the right thing. Keep in mind, my rejection was a very forward ‘No’ for a particular reason.

KARMA – Obviously you can tell what the karma is. However, it was a forward “no’ in this case but rather a gesture that says “I’m no longer available, sorry” What is more intriguing is that it was for the exact same reason that I did... similarly.

Reconcilation.
Well the 3 karmas didn’t necessarily happen all at the same time but I think the whole thing lasted for about 6 months in total. I kept getting neglected while constantly feeling jealous. Fuck. Was so pissed. One day I decided to step back and reflect on what’s going on. It was then that I came up with this whole particular theory, that I was being tested. After realising what pain I’ve caused I felt suddenly felt a bit more insightful. From there on I decided to pull myself together and make amends. For a start I was hoping to apologise to those I’ve hurt, but that was probably long overdue but I was still determined to correct my errors. And correct them I did...hopefully.

Ultimately I was taught to empathise and I asked myself “Was what I did was right?” It was such a rocky ride but I’m glad that I experienced it. I could finally understand what jealousy can do you. What it feels like to be ignored by someone you cared for so much and what’s it like to be at the other end of the “no”. For too long I was just a naive little boy and this probably shattered my glass walls I built for myself.

Also, funny thing was that as I slowly began to make amends and damage control, things with "YOU" to came back. We started talking again and everything. It felt like as though I've passed the tests and things began to return to normal again. Freaky shit.

Karma's a real bitch.

Even though its 2 years later I still decided to ignore someone for very irrational reasons. Just like that I did the same shit I did 2 years ago, just not the reason. If you’re reading this and you know who you are, then please know, that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for ignoring and avoiding you. I was just being a stupid ass. You’re probably not looking for an apology but I am sorry for ignoring you. You are a wonderful best friend to have and hope you can forgive my futile apology. Wishing you all the best :)

(to be edited)