Its 11 pm and
I. Am. Hungry.
Maria and I came up with the idea that instead of stress
eating at night, I should alleviate it through blogging instead so here I’ll
give it a shot.
Essentially, I have become a huge stress eater. Instant
noodles, mi goreng, ice-cream, ham, cakes, sweet bread, drowned with litres of
milk. Whatever is at closest reach I will devour it on top of my three meals. Most
of which are happening long past dinnertime…and sadly, instigated by my
isolated thoughts.
So I’ve basically become a giant rat rummaging through my
kitchen, prying open fridges, sniffing out meat and nibbling on sweets.
I’d love to convince myself that this is a mere consequence of
a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic, but I’ll always know, in my most private moments,
that this started before the C.O.V.I.D-19
Long before the lockdowns, self-isolations, and mental afflictions
of a pandemic.
It began when my dog died.
And I picked up awful coping mechanisms
to manage grief.
Eating.
Over Eating.
Comfort Food.
Over Comforting.
Crying.
Bursting into flames
tears in public
I would say I am aware of the grieving affecting my everyday
activities. If I were to describe it – I would describe it I would compare it
to your hunger – you notice it when your
body asks of it but how you choose to fill it is entirely up to you.
1.
You can eat healthy, in the right proportion, OR
2.
Overeat and indulge in your worst eating
habits.
My choice has been the latter…and like a werewolf, it seems
to manifest worst at night. There I
would lay, alone in bed, lamenting in the dark before the memories of lucky coarse
through my veins and the stress envelops me and I become…insatiable. Thus, beginning
my midnight scavenge.
Unfortunately, these moments were not exclusive to bedtime –
I’d cry at lunch during work.
I’d cry on the train to and from work,
I’d cry walking through parks where my hands would feel the
ghostly tugs of a dog leash and I’m pulled into a whirl of old memories.
I’ve received some advice on the matter as other share their
stories of their lost pet and they are all on the similar lines of -
“Wounds heal”
“Make new memories with new pets”
“Things get better with time”
And … they are all …true.
Only problem is that I
cannot rush time…merely wait for it to past.
And eventually those
stressful moments frequent less,
and less,
and less,
and less
until you’re left with more blissful memories and nostalgic
moments.
And you wish to make those memories with something …or
someone…new.
But I still have one last
grievance.
I cannot overcome
my nightly mourning.
Something about every night before bed makes me so desperately
yearn for the warming touches of my dog by my bed.
What better way to
end the day than with the unconditional love of your dog?
