I am

I'm worried what I'm going to do with this degree. Whether or not I'm falling behind on this invisible check list of commerce standards.

I'm worried I no longer care. Not just about studies but my also my health and mind. I just don't care and I'm really beginning to forget what it feels like.

I'm worried that I'm sick, in some shape or form, I feel sick. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm so tired.

I'm angry.

I'm disappointed, with myself and all that surrounds it. I've given up and I think for a long time I denied that. 
I've given up and a small part of me believes that I would spring to my feet with jubilance. I give up, I give up.

Week 1 vietnam

Vietnam

In no particular order

Our arrival was met with a lovely, excited and cheerful crowd. They greeted us with a cheerful group hug and celebratory drinks. But not before we drown is ginger water because its anti-bacterial properties

Everything is just slowly making sense. It's  like a huge cultural revelation to finally understand why my mum is the way she is. Especially her iron fist and lectures but more importantly all her unreasonable and superstitious behaviour. You just don't get it, until you get it. But it's not completely anyone's fault that the adults choose to keep some history hidden for lawful reasons. So there's a few head turns here and there.

I also enjoy talking to adults more than my cousins mainly because I pull off the 'golden-child' + 'with a little sass' persona much better than a 'cool foreign guy' ...or 'friend' for short. Haha. The female cousins arnt my type. They are traditionally raised. No hint of rebellion or feminism here. They're very well disciplined so it's hard to relate because I argue back all time. Every sentence from my mum is a statement up for debate but to them it is like the law.

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The first male cousin I met here was a huge breathe of fresh air. His English may not be top notch but he knew enough to be sarcastic and pessimistic. We both bitched about family duties and the difficulty of college. He's studying to be an English teacher but was thinking of doing PR. I thought for a second he would peel off his face and maria would reveal herself. He's basically me but in Vietnam and fat. He never shares his personal life with his family and his schools schedule is about 6am-10pm which includes times hanging with friends. So he mostly spends his time alone with his computer or his friends and only comes out of his room for food. I hope things work out for him.

After I little dnm, I found out that he is actually gay! He kept steering the conversation towards my rainbow DP on Facebook and kept asking about the LGBT community in Australia. He began to emphasized the struggles of a gay child in Vietnam, with conservative families. His parents know but they're in denial about it. They are the -"gay is a mental sickness that needs to be cured"- kind of parents.

Temple

Bam. Nosebleed. Probably because I've entered holy grounds. Buddha knows what's up. 

My mum seems at home here. I can see how this was her environment growing up. Prepping food, cleaning Surviving but more important attending to the alpha: grandmama. She's turning 80 soon. It was her birthday on the 4th. Everybody here is 

Everybody else seems flippant at their parts but my mother? No, she does it firmly and fast. I thought "perhaps they've just done it for too long" but I realised that she is just as vivacious at her chores at home. Only difference here is that she has company while doing them. 

Speaking of chores, the values here are also very traditional. Around lunchtime the women were cleaning and preparing food while the males were... Actually no where to be found. So I was just alone at the dinner table blogging for abit. It's quite hard to find an appropriate time to sit and blog.

She's the 3rd oldest child but something tells me she acts the oldest. The way she talks or commands everybody else and how they follow her instructions. Just before as we aboard the taxi my mum suggested that all the kids (me and my cousin) to sit at the back. In my head I took it as a 'suggestion' but really I want to sit at the front with my sister but my younger cousin nudged me and whispered "quickly or else we'll get into trouble!"

Sisters

. She and older aunt would pick on the youngest. 

It's super weird that they address each other by their number (eldest to youngest) rather than actually saying sister or a name for that matter

Grandmas' birthday

Mom cried. Food fine. Vegetarian. Grandma was adorable. The most interesting thing the whole time though was just gathering stories from my grandparents. My grandfather (father side) is very different to my dad. My dad is quiet, humble while he is more loud and demanding. He's 85, smoker, and with an attitude of an alcoholic because I don't think he actually drinks anymore. 

"I am Master. Everyone's job tonight is to drink!"

He says that he and my can no longer talk because my dad is not talkative. He says I'm like him very much and doesn't like it. I say that I'm very talkative, especially when it comes to arguing with my mum.

Quite a few people here are surprised at how well I understand and speak Vietnamese. A lot of words do tend to get lost during conversations but I pick out the main ones and reply the best I can. I say that most of my vocab comes from numerous arguments with my mother. 

Beach

Suddenly vietn didn't seem so bad when I am able to sit under a nice Straw shade, sun baking, and being fed fish and crabs (because I don't know how to peel them). What's more is that, the elders seem to acknowledge my more Australian life. Because when I said I didmt know how to peel for crab shells she was very kind and insisted that she peel the plate of crabs to feed me. I insisted that she doesn't need to but you can't argue with old people. Their main purpose is to feed you till you explode <3.

Random thoughts

-motor cycle rides are fuuuunnn. So free and opem and windy and relaxing. But at the same time stressful because you feel like you'll crash at every turn.

- love not wearing a seatbelt anywhere

- the food is pretty good too. Kinda given that traditional food would be better in their home country.

-I may actually get fatter :/

- I realised that when I wrap the money bag around my waist and my love handles ate it up. :(

- mums friend is pretty wealthy. She has this like 4 story hotel/ house thing. Like it probably started as a hotel and she bought it and made it into her house. She also has a lot of koi fish and swan ornaments. Also her son is buffed.. Offft thank god for humid weather!

- speaking of the weather, it's quite bearable. Wasn't too hot or anything. Then again Ive been staying closer to the coast so there's no pollution and more windy. 

- now that I've entered Saigon central ( I think ) I can really feel the pollution suffocating my lungs and stinging my eyes.

- karaoke was very fun. My cousins can sing ... Very well oO in Vietnam anyway. It was quite intimidating but fun to dance nonetheless. There was English there so that's good

- seafood is delicious and cheap. Snail is really good but the thought of them gets me ugh like they're so nice but ugh but so delicious but ugh

- this bun bao (pork bun) is amazing

- noodles are amazing too but probably because of the MSG.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm msg

Umma just post this now

Should've taken photos ey 

Week 1

Airborne

If I wasn't such a clutz, then I would have a tablet to type on but nope, I forgot to turn on the power switch when I was 'charging' it. So I'm basically bored as fuck on the plane with the many voices in my head to keep me company.

Ugh and this little strap across my waist is so annoying. I think it's called a 'seatbelt'? Pfft I barely wear it In cars what makes you think I'll wear it now? LOL

There's also a little TV screen in front of me and since it doesn't have anything worth watching it basically acts as a mirror. My face is so fat omfg and I can see all my blemishes. It's just staring right back at me with no mercy. 

Just watching the wings of the plane shaking makes me nervous. I just can't shake the feeling away. As though I'm not going on a vacation. It reminded me when andrew comforted me. To be honest, when I shut the door on your last visit, it phased me quite abit. Like the thought of not seeing you for over a month saddens me. Like a "I wish you well but I hope you drop a soap or... So that one day you may fully appreciate... ;)"

LOL OK STFU! 

Haha but I will miss everyone.

The view is also quite nice.

Which went well with my little fun station.

- house because I love him

- 'slice' because i love butterflies

- and an Australian neck rest, to remind me of where I came from. LOL

Time for a nap.

Vietnam

4am -

* currently on hoang do to my sisters house to pick her up. Apparently mum convinced her to come because I might be sad over there.

This made me worry about Emma because I just don't find my brother in law a very independent figure. Although when we arrived he gave me $200 to spend as a gift which was nice. He loves buying my love or something. I don't blame him, I'm not the most approachable being in this family but money will get my attention. 

Which got me thinking, a lot of people do tend to give me money. Even my cousins boyfriend's mother gave me money to spend in Vietnam. When I got my ATAR, my sister and brother gave me money to congratulate me. Oh and my dad because in reality he only spends money on two things - me or the dog.

Oh and weirdest thing to happen this morning was when my dad gave me a goodbye hug which is a first. He's not a distant dad rather he's just quiet and keeps all opinions to himself. 

He was really worried for me about this trip. He kept asking if I didn't want to go then to tell my mum but I know that'll just create more problems because my mum really wants this. My dad kept saying he doesn't approve and that he got no say about this trip. But I reassure him that the worse case scenario is that I just get super bored.