Dear You

. . .

The first time I probably knew of you was in maths. At that time I didn’t notice you or was even aware of your existence. Ok not exactly true. You sat in the corner towards the teacher’s desk. Eventually down the line you sat closer to me. We socialised a little but I, being a very judgmental person at that time, immediately labelled you as a ‘nerd-geek-no life-no-social-awareness-nobody’ and that was that. Nothing happened until one day, you were noticed by someone a friend of mine. I thought I’d do them a favour and try to dig out information about you and get to know you.

Typically enough, after endless conversations I began to realised, I quite enjoyed your company, a lot. During this age of time, we all believed in this ‘social pyramid’. You and your friends were lying at the bottom end. Funny, back then I thought I was doing you a favour by ‘bringing you up the ‘social pyramid’; I thought I was doing this to help you. I don’t know whether or not I regret making that big mistake.

Eventually we managed to form our own little group; Having 3 way conversations on internet, walking together to meet the other person at lunch or recess. You poured your heart out to me and I, foolishly, did the same. We were teased about being together but luckily no rumours flew around. But unfortunately the trio broke and never mentioned again.

Remember how we accidently held hands for 10 seconds? It totally took me by surprise too, honestly. Apparently our hands were going in different directions but then collided. It certainly seemed to take us a while to notice what happened. However It wasn’t like the minute I noticed my ‘heart stopped beating and everything was in slow motion’, no. When we finally noticed, we immediately broke contact and pretty much never spoke of it again. (Except for the eye witness)

You even use to just forcefully pull me away from my group just to hang or talk. Like I’d be talking to Catrina and I’ll even say “go away, talk to you later” and I’d take about 2 steps before being pulled back.

Remember being the first 2 arriving at ice skating and decided to go in ahead. We just skated around together for about 1 hour talking and trying to trip each other. We laugh and talked about the future. I tricked you into thinking you really hurt me when you shoved me over and I fell. But eventually others came.

Remember all those nights and morning of webcaming everyday of holidays? First thing I’d see when I’d sign in was a webcam invitation. You played around with the visual effects to cheer me up when I was feeling down. We left it on until we had to go off to sleep. Remember webcaming when you were on vacation and you introduced me to your cousins. You introduced me to them and we joked around about the best –looking and fattest one and all.

Remember how on New Year’s Eve during webcam you told me to call you, so we could watch the New Year’s fireworks together. Although you were in a different time zone so Countdown was different for us. I called across the state just so that I could hear the fireworks and celebrate your countdown. Even thought there were people telling you to get off, you refused. We had to whisper because people began going to sleep. It was 1:30am.

Remember just sitting down on the bench swing watching the river and the sunset, enjoying view while waving to joggers passing by.

Remember the day just hanging at your house, and just talk about our lives, the similarities, the struggles and our dreams.

For a long, long time you were the only thing on my mind all day. All I could think was other ways to make you smile, laugh, and ways to hang out with you. Nothing else seemed to matter not even school. I’m not going to admit that you were the cause for my downfall in work. I chose to distract myself from work so I have no one to blame but me. Sigh. Typically, ‘you were my world’

One day, you began to notice someone else. Obviously for me this took me by surprise. I couldn’t think and comprehend what I just heard. Then you told me a story. A story of how you it happened. The story of how you were looking at someone else all these times.

...The book. The library. The piano room. The singing. The bus...

However I didn’t try to stop you, because I cared about you. You seemed happy and I didn’t want to be the one to take it from you. The last thing I would have wanted was to be the one responsible. So I encouraged you to chase that person and helped you in every way possible. I gave you as much advice and help as I could, even though it hurt me so much to see you with someone else. I tried my best to tell you to appreciate and value everything you have.

Eventually you got what you wanted.

But oddly enough I was still around and that was my biggest mistake. At times when your relationship had troubles you’d come to me and we’d talk, YOU’d scream, YOU’d rage, YOU’d cry but that was pretty much all the friendship was to you. It never was about me, it was always about you. Maybe on some occasions you’d help me out but as if you owe it to me, not because you wanted to! And eventually my eyes finally opened.

! As time flew by we slowly drifted. You changed in so many ways I never expected; then again maybe I did and thought it’ll all turn out for the better. After all, we both always blame me for changing you. Sometimes I wonder whether the message “appreciate your life” sunk into you so much that you did everything you could to make YOU happy and forgot about what made me ,or anyone else, happy. I probably saw things more than then what they actually were. God how could I have been blind and naive.

If I had the chance to go back, I’m not sure whether I’d want to change anything because you opened my eyes to the world of reality. What I experiences changed me and pretty much defined me. I don’t mean that in any kind of emo way but you were certainly part of the influence that made me today and for that, thank you.

I’d rarely see you nowadays and we are pretty distant. It even feels like it never happened. Maybe it never did? Perhaps I was hallucinating or dreaming. It certainly feels like it never existed. Even though I do technically see you but I don’t see YOU. I never saw the same person anymore. Where did you go?...

Now, you are not even worth my time anymore.

(2008 - 2010)

Signed,

Danny Huynh.