SO anyways... last friday was trinhs birthday and I had a blast! I was so drunk but not completely gone because I knew I was gone and I didn't COMPLETELY blackout... well I don't remember images but I definatlye remember people's voices and what they said back to me...and from there I can tell what I said to have made them say...those things...
When since I got quite a few...mind..boggling...things off my chest at the party I might as well...
So anyways, I've discovered that I'm not exactly the best person that simply let's go of...grduges and ...maybe regrets in a way...but definately the 'what if' " gets to my mind quite a lot....especially if i thought I could have gained something...tremendous...outrageous... ... something worth remembering... something worth laughing at if I were to look back... But I can't look back too much but when I do it's... simply... empty... and ruined and sometimes just a burden.
And that makes me wonder why ...is it a burden and not something I can be proud at...or smile at...
Ok no, I have an amazing past that I'm very happy with...
It's just after trinhs... I've reminded myself... about things that I left unresolved...that makes me wonder and...i'm all hanging...and thinking and drunk talking about it to other people and stuff... ...
It just makes me wonder why am I.... like....doing......this...
The whining and the crying and the inability to let go what probably is a such a minute thing...
and so when I look back at ... something that saddens me is that...there is no story to tell...
Just a ... pretend memory to indulge in ...
In my opinion... I think i"m too smart for myself sometimes... I know i need to talk to someone about some things so I have to let myself talk...but I know i can't face it or beyond bothered to deal with the emotional rollercoaster that follows after.... so my plan is to do it while I'm drunk... ... I'd say what I needed to say...and I won't feel as bad for doing it because alcohol makes me warm inside and I dont care as much... but yeaaahhh...
Also I keep telling people to stop dying...mainly because it sometimes really annoy me how much people can't take care of themselves... and that our body is so vulnerable to the world and it scares me ... deep deep deep deep deep depp down... that only reveals itself when I'm hammered...
so learn to be immortal people! would help me out a lot.
Anyways... I've been great... and happy and I feel very in control of myself... .... sometimes even a little too much control that i'm need to consult with the higher power to make a decision for me...and that person is me...
Titty tattles...
Last thing on my mind... is...well....you know how somethings are suppose to feel...natural...like...it's meant to be way it's meant to be and when it is that way we give it a label...but what happens when the natural flow is gone but the label remains...does it continue to work under the labels..... implications? ... like...that just feels soo...burdening like...its lost it's way...and ....untold...stories....and hidden...dark...makes me....puke and...the positioning of things that aren't in their natural...order...
WELL that made no sense whatsover...but if it does then it got it's job done.
...mmm not really because the job can't be done until it's told... so... someone needs to swallow a bitter pill...
or just swallow.
.
.
.
before I punch you in the face...
...
Love Hate.Kill and Forget.
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