#17

Can't believe I'm 17 now.

#17
I believe that within every little or big or fat gay boy, that they've always knew about how awesome they really were. Though you didn't fully comprehend it's meaning at the time, thinking back, I noticed that I've always known that I was gay, I just didn't know gay was a word, or in fact wasn't normal.
See I blame primary for that. For sex education they'd always throw a vagina and a penis but never mention that some people are special and prefer two of the same!....(not to be explicit or graphical). Hence little kids are taught that girl+boy= normal. No one talks about special cases and so this little message is embedded into there head forever. Then in high-school they expect us to transform..that... equation to meet our own...boundaries..between good and bad.

It didn't really seem to become a problem until mid year 8 when I've finally accepted myself. I thought that the process was quite simple, accepting yourself. You are who you are. But it didn't seem to make you feel better about yourself. I might have accepted myself, but does everyone else?
Of course that becomes one of the typical issues of a gay teenage boy - acceptance from society. So during this time, poor naive little danny felt lost in what seemed to be a really big scary world, full of homophobic , homo-sapiens. So during this time, I felt very alone. (even with such great, wonderful friends like Fodmn) I just felt like they just don't understand or get me, or that their company would fulfill this sense of loneliness. Hence I thought that if I still feel alone here, maybe I should seek comfort somewhere else. (although unconsciously, I was probably seeking ..someone..)
Around this time would be when I got a little bit more familiar with the quadrangle area and more specifically with the 11 roses. There were, hypo talkative people, Slapping Pheobe, Four-eyed boy daydreaming, Davidson always leaning back when he plays a good hand in thirteen. Although at the time only Catrina really stood out for me then.

You know when you have problems, and you want to talk about it but you don't want to bother your friends with it because, well I didn't want to become a burden. I think my mum raised me like that, because ever since I was young I was told that if I had problems or don't know anything, then I should ask for help. BUT every time I do have a problem and I ask her for help she ALWAYS would complain that I don't know anything and that I should solve it myself. Then when I do have a problem and don't get it right/solved, then she complains that I don't ask enough and the cycle repeats. Like wtf..!
But one of my cures would be when I overhear or see someone sad. If I overhear their problems I think to myself "Boy, they have a real reason to be sad and I'm just here crying over nothing". That would cheer me up for awhile. Or sometimes I see people sad and think "Fuck I don't have time to be like that" and BAM I feel instantly happier.

Anyways, I always found it very comforting to talk to Catrina because I just felt, like I wasn't the only one struggling but most of all I felt understood. Hence after Roxy's film she would be the first person I came out to. I remember shitting bricks for like 30 minutes but she was very calm and took it seriously, which at the time I felt like it was to me. Also, at that time I asked god that if I should tell her then give me a sign, and suddenly my brother text me that he's arriving 30 minutes later. So I took that as a sign.

Then she asked very obvious questions; "How did know you? When Did you know? Who do you like?... but the one that probably stood out was "why didn't you tell Jessica? *shrug shoulder*

One day ,Through Catrina I met the lovely Nita (ha!). Then Jessica, Me Catrina and Nita all went to the park. At first meeting I didn't socialise much with her but eventually in school she became a good friend (Can't believe I'm saying this about Nita.... XD) and I would like to believe that for a small period, Me Nita and Kenny became a little social group..just a short time, unfortunately.
This would be when I first felt homely and welcomed,
( Maybe not so much from Nita because Me and her were bitches to each other. Only because she was one! haha I'm only kidding :).

Well, towards the end of that era, it felt Nita wasn't around as much because she was so must sitting at that bench her friend. And I remember standing there, death staring at that little kid wondering what he is talking about with Nita. Since Nita wasn't around as much it just gave Me and Kenny more time to spend together.
I felt happy. I felt welcomed and wanted, but I still felt this....hole.....this fourth gay wall between me and my friends. I've many friends whose been of great comfort to me, but I could only welcome them with open arms and not an open heart. Foolishly I welcomed the wrong person, and fell into a bottomless pit of depression with no one but me inside, and again I felt so alone.
I mean I know I wasn't the only one, but something keeps saying in my head, "there's no one, everyone leaves you, Just admit it, you're alone"
(not to be dramatic)
Hence I tried to turn my own thoughts against them and thought "I don't care. JOKES ON YOU BRAIN! I WANT to be alone :P. Choosing to be alone felt better then trying not to be.

haha,

But one day,
whilst sitting in my ...bottomless pit...
The candle above my head lit
A query....
but more of a theory
he's Gay
I would say
And like that I no longer cried
and quickly rushed by his side
to express my joy
to a four eyed boy.