Twenty Fourteen

Hold on and don't give up

One of the few lines that was constantly rehearsed in my head this year. I tried relentlessly day after day after day. I felt my body falling rigid as a slouched and walked along the walkways towards uni. I no longer held my head up when walking. Instead I stared at my feet. One after another, One after another, baby steps, slow steps, walking...crawling.

But I was not sad, angry or depressed. I refused - refused to blame the world or let myself be brought down by the once so heavy thoughts that clouded my mind. It seemed, at the time, that the world was painted in two colours. Some things became lighter but most got darker. I had to be smart about this, I had to be real about this. I knew I wouldn't last with this mindset. Open, whimsical but vulnerable. An open-heart is a dead heart. So I decided to look admidst the black and white, to find something, anything that could confer in me hope that the my world will get better. That the world I live in will reward me for the work I do. Optimism has it's ups and 'ups'. It worked, for awhile, until I realised that this world simply owes you nothing. 

The first semester past like leaves in Autumn. I looked at other students and thought to myself "How many of us here actually want to be here? Who is making something for themselves right in this moment because if there is nothing eternal to be made here, then why does it matter?". I did the homework, made friends, worked in groups and rushed home alone each time. 

It drained my will to do anything that required control and effort. I no longer wanted to do things that required me to be responsible. I no longer wanted to 'have to' do anything because all my conviction laid surviving commerce. I laid in bed most of time, resting, bidding for more time. Time to think and gather my thoughts about how to approach a world where the 'old me' would not have survived. I had to be smarter about this. I had to change, mentally, physically, emotionally, precariously 

I refused - refused to simply hold on. To not give up but to also get up.